Back

   You know, we probably need to get rid of this old, rusted 1983 Mustang. Heck, it barely moves under its own power. See how decrepit it looks? But here is what we will do…
  1. We will race the owner of any new Corvette, Lamborghini, Porsche, or Ferrari for $10,000 cash.
  2. If you win, we give you the car AND the $10,000 cash.
  3. If we win, you give us the cash and we’ll keep the old rust bucket. You keep your car.

Rules:

1. Challenger’s car must be street-legal and currently registered.

2. You must come to us. We can’t come to you because we doubt the car will make it very far.

3. Race will be conducted at a private, off road track.

4. "Street race Start" rules apply, meaning no gay starting lights, just the traditional flagman. The bullshit stops when the green flag drops.

5. Mechanical/photographic equipment will be used to determine the winner in the event of a close race. (God I hope our car will start.)

6.If the race ends in a tie, we run again…and again…until a winner is determined.

7. Before we go to the hassle of prying the hood open and trying to get that piece of shit to run, we must have photographic proof of your possession of 10,000.00 cash. We are happy to do the same. I will show me mine if you show me yours.

8. We race for CASH. Fuck Visa.

9. Anything goes: nitrous, slicks, open headers, whatever.

10. The “Don’t-Get-Cute” Clause: We are sportsman. If we lose, I will personally hand you your winnings, shake your hand, and walk away. We expect the same in return. For the small percentage of you out there thinking about bringing along an "Insurance policy" consider this:

Among our staff, there are a total of 4 Black belts. I am not talking about the faggotty tae qwon do place between the video palace and the Cashew Chicken joint. I mean the old style, throat punch, linear form devised by a group of Okanawian Fisherman to fight Samurai’s in 1402. If you understand that reference, you know not to do anything stupid. If you don't understand that reference, please let me know so I can let you throw the first punch. Please don't find out the hard way I am not bullshitting.

Don’t even DREAM about hardware. We have an arsenal large enough to take over China in about two days…and you are on our turf. 5 seconds of rational thought can save you from being carried by six of your friends.

One last thing…if anyone out there knows where the hood release is on this car, please tell me. This Bungee cord thing is starting to suck.